That was unexpected.

From September the 1st, 2015 when we picked N up in his country, until December 21 we did not have a single day without some level of chaos. While we were in country, we assumed that it would get better when we got home. And, in some ways, it did. It was terribly stressful on him to be in contact with his foster mother, us, and the orphanage director all at the same time. His foster mother was really grieving his leaving, and that increased his stress levels as well. So, we tried to be understanding and prayed that we would survive those 15 days until we could come home.
In October things got really bad, and I wrote about that a little already…
Eventually, as he learned to express himself a little, and we learned how to keep things as calm as possible, he was able to give us a list of reasons why hosting is so much better than adoption. As an almost 16 year old, N has had a lot of freedom that he wasn’t willing to give up to have a family of his own. We didn’t lay down a set of unreasonable rules, either. The “freedoms” he missed were the ones that involved making very bad choices that not only affect his life, but those around him.
It’s hard to know how much to say publicly because we want to respect his privacy while at the same time explaining what happened to all of you who have so lovingly supported this adoption. We are grieving the loss of our son and the impact this choice will have on his future. It’s so hard to be a teenager under “normal” circumstances, and for orphans it is even harder.
In early December we were asking him to please be patient and wait until our second court date in March to make his final decision. The chaos was increasing and finally we reserved tickets for the end of December for him to go to the place that feels like home to him. However, 3 weeks was more than he could wait and we eventually moved that date to the 21st, which was the best we could do with the prices being so high. As soon as those tickets were purchased the chaos level went way down. He felt such relief. And at the same time, he was still soaking up all the love he could while he was still here. We continued to speak life and hope and love into him and prayed that it would someday make a difference.
It has been 2 weeks now that he has been gone, and I know I should have updated the blog sooner, but it was just too soon to be able to put it all into words.
Teenage orphans need and deserve loving families just as much as younger kids do. We fully believe that. Sadly, in our case, N was unable to make the adjustment. We will still support him from a distance as much as we are able. We can speak to him on the phone, mail letters and packages and encourage him to make good choices and most importantly pray for him daily!

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2 thoughts on “That was unexpected.

  1. Our hearts go out to you. We can so much relate…We tried to do a foster-to-adopt with a 16 y.o. girl several years ago – and she basically pulled away from the loving discipline in the same way that N. did. And our 17 y.o. son [who is adopted] decided 2 years ago that he is transgender – and when he began making choices that hurt himself and others, we eventually had to allow him to go into foster care. He has been in foster care for a year & will “age out” of the system in April. Our hearts are still breaking from these prodigal children.

    I am so glad you are continuing to love & support N. We are doing the same with our prodigals but it is so hard some days!

    You are not alone.

    Much love & prayers, Linda

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    1. I’m sorry I didn’t see your comment earlier. I’ve stayed away from the blog for a long time because it has just been too painful. Praying for your familY! Thanks for sharing. ❤

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